the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
