Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I just googled if crying burns calories
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
