I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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