Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
