You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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