please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
its liver damage thursday
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
