My Higher Power is John Stamos
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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