cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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