I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
