Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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