Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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