Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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