I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
