I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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