I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
