eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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