Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
me + whiskey = a bad person
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
