East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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