Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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