The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
