the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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