from now on my penis is your penis
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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