no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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