I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He did a backflip because drugs
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