highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
