Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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