he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
