Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
