I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
