After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
