I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize