I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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