if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
try to milk me bitch
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