i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
