I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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