Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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