I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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