She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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