Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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