Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
