No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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