maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
