Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
