Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
