Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
