i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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