2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Be still, my beating vagina.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize