When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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