He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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