well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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