Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
