Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
