last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
