Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
