I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
