Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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