I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
