im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
you never un-have a 4some
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
