She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
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