Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
